Parenting and Potty Training

Parenting and Potty Training
This week I have come to believe that potty training is perhaps the first real test of parenting.
You prove to each other that you can, and will, with love and persistence, help your child grow and take the very first critical step towards independent adult hood far in the future. It is something they can have control over but also must learn to be aware of and learn how to do.  They also require adult help to learn it. It's one of the first opportunities to build love and trust between parent and child, at just the time when they can communicate back and forth, and begin to record memories for future reference.

During this experience  she can if done well, learn from you that you will love them always even if they don't do it right at first or get it right away, have accidents, or even make mistakes sometimes on purpose. They can also learn that you expect them to advance beyond dependent babyhood.

It can, and I think does more than we know, set the foundation for trusting relationships,  communication, courage and confidence between parent and child. They learn how much they can count on you and how much you love and believe in them.   They learn that you believe they can do hard things and that you can be counted on to make sure they have the opportunities, and support to become what they are capable of.

And for parents, it is the first time you really face the hard truth that freedom comes in being willing to help a child do for themselves what they are capable of doing.  Yes, they may want to help wash the dishes or scrub out the toilet, but often their “help” at first (and sometimes for years!) seems more work than it is worth.  But without a parent who is willing to allow those messy “helpers” to try and improve, parents may be stuck doing ALL their work long past the time children are really capable.  Or in this case changing diapers far too long.......

Our daughter shared, after her potty training experience last fall that by waiting a little too long to train, she made it harder for both of them.  I’m not sure the reason they delayed, either out of inexperience, fear, or circumstance it does not really matter.  But she said that in waiting  some months past the time her daughter showed signs of being ready, she became embarrassed, and ashamed about the process.  Younger ones usually are just uninhibited and then proud of their successes, preventing problems of holding it in until it is painful, or distracting, or being sneaky, seeking times and places to go outside of the toilet.

In the last week I’ve been assisting our daughter-in-law in the potty training of their two first children, both age 2.  (They currently live with us as our son finishes his last two affiliations to complete his Physical Therapy degree).   At the same time our youngest daughter in Arizona was potty training her first child also age 2, and our eldest daughter in Utah has been reading and prepping to begin training her first  child, a boy, soon to be 2.  Last Fall another daughter in California did her first potty training, and the year before that another daughter in Utah trained her first child.  Thus.... potty training has been a big topic on our family group text of late.

In our home we have been training two sisters 10 months apart.  It’s a long story for another time, but they also have twin baby sisters only 5 months old that contribute to why the oldest one wasn’t trained sooner.  So watching one who is nearly three and one who is barely 2 training together has helped  me re-learn a lot.  We’ve  observed not only personality differences but also developmental ones.  The oldest sister was a bit more embarrassed at first about the process.  The little one joyfully exuberant about a new little potty chair and especially the approved  freedom from clothing for a few days!  But the competition for praise and attention between them coupled with the fact that each imitate one another so thoroughly as we were already aware, eased the way and within a very short time (the first few hours!) we were having our first successes.

In the years since training our five children, I have forgotten much of the details.  Being involved intimately this time as a grandmother has been so different and thought provoking.  I now have time to pay attention to their cues, and their responses, the competition, (good peer pressure in this case... remember, we are doing two at a time in our household,) as well as experience ( and again time) to interpret and analyze them perhaps more accurately that I did years ago training our own children.

The parents of today have such terrific resources and helps.  Our children prepped by checking out children’s books out of the library to aid themselves as well as the  little ones in the readiness for the event.  They also read parenting books on the subject.  (Each of them say they especially recommend the book “Oh Crap, Potty Training”).   With each of our 5 children in the same phase of training or recently finished training their first children, they are  all sharing their tips, and questions and cheering each other on, through our group message.  It is a nice to have support and to know that not everyone “gets it” on the very first, or even second, or third day.

Competence builds confidence and competence comes through doing, and trying, sometimes trying and failing and trying some more.  If a parent deny’s a child’s help when the child is willing, they may have a child who is forever unwilling when the parent is ready for competent help.

Potty training is so much like that.  Diapers may be smelly and expensive, but they can be positively convenient compared to urgent potty stops or accidents while driving or in church, or while shopping.  So parents may procrastinate, delay, or even encourage a child to wear a diaper longer than they can or should, for their own convenience.  But devoting time patiently to the child and also doing those things that enable success flexibly in the life you have, can build great confidence not only for the child herself, but also in her relationship with the parent.  She comes to know from experience that Mom and Dad believe in me, even when I may not believe in myself.  They will help me to succeed at this hard thing.  And they love me even when I mess up, and won’t give up on me, or stop loving me.

Both parent and child will need these lessons over and over again in years ahead as new challenges, and  stages of growth build on one another.

You can do it moms and dads!   Don’t be afraid!  This is what being a parent is all about, aiding a little human to be an independent and contributing member of society.  Once you have them trained, you can pat yourself on the back and join the “parent-hood”.
You are more than a momma (or daddy) now, -you are a parent!  (Keep up the great work!) And ...
Congratulations!