On being a Mother “Ebenezer”....

I have a wonderful  mother; absolutely the very best, kind, generous, positive, encouraging, fun, wise, strong, MOTHER in the world.  

I share her with my dear, happy, jolly, loving adventurous father, 6 sisters, 2 brothers, all of their spouses, 38 grandchildren and now 12 great grandchildren.  My husband and I have four remarkable daughters (five, claiming our dearest daughter-in-law), who are now devoted, fearless, strong  mothers themselves to a total of 11 littles, 9 of whom are girls.  I’d say its true that I have experience with and interest in the contributions and influence of women in the world, both the past and into the future. 

And of all my titles, none are remotely as precious to me as “Mom”, and being a grandmother.

How quickly our own sweet, silly littles , grew and passed from stage to stage....

It somehow is too easy for us as women to minimize, diminish or demean our own role, and then allow feelings of inferiority to creep in as we compare, focusing on our weaknesses besides another’s strengths. 

 I was uplifted and empowered anew of how much my Heavenly Father and yours, loves his daughters (and thus his sons), by providing us as “Ebenezers” for one another, as explained in this article and post by Dustin Phelps at the “Happiness-seekers.com”.    

May you feel the same.  And Happy Mother’s Day to all those with a “mother heart”.

Always,

Becky

PS. And thank you to the five brave souls who let me become and practice “mothering” on them.  How I love you still.  Mom

GOD’S HIDDEN TRIBUTE TO MOTHER EVE… By Dustin Phelps   

https://happiness-seekers.com/2018/04/30/gods-secret-tribute-to-women-a-hebrew-word-that-will-change-the-way-you-see-womanhood/ 

When Brittney was pregnant with our first child—per the norm—everyone would always ask what we were going to name him. When they learned that our son’s middle name was going to be Ebenezer, we’d get all sorts of surprised looks.

“You mean like Ebenezer Scrooge?!” They couldn’t believe it. Some friends and family members would joke about how they were going to call him “Scrooge” when he got older. 

But the truth is that we didn’t choose the name Ebenezer on a whim nor out of a fascination with the literary accomplishments of Charles Dickens.

As it turns out, Eben-Ezer, a Hebrew term from the Bible, has special spiritual significance.

There was a time recorded in the Old Testament when an enormous Philistine army was invading Israel. The force that stood against Israel was completely overwhelming. Things got so bad that the people realized that they were doomed to destruction if the Lord did not intervene. 

Realizing this, the people went to the Prophet Samuel and begged him to plead with the Lord to spare their lives. Samuel did so and the Lord intervened. 

With the Lord’s help, the outnumbered Israelite soldiers were miraculously able to defeat the Philistine armies. 

On the battlefield, while the victory was still fresh in the minds of the people, Samuel erected a monument and called it “Eben-Ezer” (which means “Stone of Help”). And then he declared the significance of the monument:

“Hitherto has the Lord helped us.”

You see, Samuel was concerned that the people would forget how they had won. He was worried that they might take credit for the victory. The Prophet wanted the people to never forget that they had only defeated their enemies because of the Lord’s help. And if they were to hope for His blessings and protection in the future, they needed to continue relying on Him.

Incidentally, if you’ve ever heard the beloved hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”, you may have wondered what the author meant when he wrote: ”Here I raise my Ebenezer. Hither by Thy help I’m come.”

Well, now you know.

Anyway, with all that in mind, we can now approach the discovery. 

About a year ago I was asked to speak at a relief society function. The topic was “The Divine Role of Womanhood.” As a man, I felt pretty unqualified and uncomfortable speaking on such a grand topic…especially to a group of women.

I was humbled and a little mortified at the task that lay before me.

As I prepared my remarks, I reflected on Mother Eve, the progenitor of all women.

A couple of years previous, I had written an article about ways in which centuries of cultural misunderstanding have distorted the message of Genesis 2:18 which reads:

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; [so] I will make him an help meet for him.”

As I reflected on the article I had previously written and then pondered further the words of Genesis 2:18, I decided to see if the Hebrew from which the words were translated could provide any additional insight.

I was specifically interested in the Hebrew word that had been translated into “meet” because it has complex meaning and is pivotal to the verse.

But as I turned to the original Hebrew rendition, something else in the verse caught my eye:

“Ezer”

I noticed that when God says that Eve will be a “help” to Adam, the original Hebrew usage translated into “help” is…”Ezer”.

Wait? Ezer…as in Eben-Ezer? It was the same word.

If it weren’t for the significance of Eben-Ezer, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. But I was suddenly intrigued.

I looked up the definition and etymology of the word and learned that some scholars trace the Hebrew word “Ezer” to a combination of two source words, one which means strength and another which refers to rescuing, saving, and defending (source).

I searched “Ezer” in the Hebrew text and found that it is used two dozen times in the Old Testament.

Remarkably, “Ezer” is always used in a military context (except when referring to Eve) and almost every time it is used to describe God as the Divine Helper and Protector of Israel.

It is this same word that is used to describe Eve.

Many women have written to me and expressed how they have always felt marginalized by this verse; it makes them feel as if God’s vision of woman was that of some second-class “helper”.

But here was the ultimate evidence that society had projected their own ignorance onto the verse.

Eve is described with a word that everywhere else in the Old Testament is only used for virtually two purposes 1) to describe God when he is coming to stand with Israel against its enemies or 2) when other nations come to march with the soldiers of Israel as they face their foes (list of “ezer” usages found here).

So, “Ezer”, the word used to describe Mother Eve as a “help” to Adam, has nothing to do with the role of an inferior or domestic servant. 

The word that is used to describe the Creator of the Universe as a savior, source of strength, and “the Helper of Israel” cannot have a demeaning implication. God blesses His people, He loves and cares for His people, and He stands with His people…but He is not subservient to them. 

In the Old Testament, the Lord is described as an “Ezer” when Israel is too weak to face its enemies alone. Other nations are described as an “Ezer” to Israel, when Israel’s strength is insufficient to defeat its enemies. 

And so it is with Eve. Eve is referred to as an “Ezer” when God sees that Adam cannot do it alone.  Eve is referred to as an “ezer” because she was Adam’s first ally and friend, his partner in doing battle with evil and bringing about the purposes of God upon the Earth.

So, the very verse that has been used to marginalize women, was really God’s own tribute to His daughters.

It is high time that we reclaimed and embraced God’s vision of women.

Exciting things are on the horizon. Women in every quarter of the world are rising up and the women of the Church must rise to lead and influence them.

So, the next time you read Genesis 2:18 and you are tempted to imagine a submissive housekeeper, instead think of a warrior with a drawn sword. Think of a change maker. Think of a leader. Think of an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a mother, a wife, a young women’s leader, or Sunday school teacher.

Your influence has changed me; it has changed the people around you. Thank you for being an “ezer”. Thank you for your service, for your voice, for your leadership, for your courage, and for your sacrifices.

We cannot do this without you.

By Dustin Phelps

Resistance is (NOT) Futile

I recently attended a community event with my husband, called Protecting Children, with its focus being on protecting children from pornography, sexual abuse and trafficking. (Here’s a link to a terrific resource for help and ideas;(https://protectyoungminds.org/blog/https://protectyoungminds.org/blog/)  It is a difficult and heart wrenching topic, yet it felt so positive to unite amidst diversity of age, circumstance, ethnicity and economics with so many within our community on something of such great concern.  The generation over who we have guardianship needs desperately for us to keep them protected even if they are unaware of it.

Still, even though the event was so beneficial, I spent much of the next days and weeks, feeling overwhelmed with the magnitude of the problem we face.  Posts and conversations by and with friends, and strangers, despairing over how to cope with the deluge of material accessible to youth, and struggling with damage done,  burdened me further.

I am by nature a hopeful, trusting person.  But anguishing over the challenges ahead  for our five children striving mightily to provide a safe, nurturing, and faith filled childhood for our grandchildren in such an environment, nearly overcame me.  Thank Heaven, I know a God who knows and loves me and guides me to the those things that keep me from such wretchedness when I desire to be lifted.  In this place of disheartenment, I was allowed to hear and notice things I might otherwise have overlooked.

First while listening to old General Conference talks by Elder Russel M Nelson, a modern apostle of God, who was recently sustained as Gods chosen Prophet upon the earth after the death of President Thomas S. Monson,  I came across one from April 1988, entitled With God All things are possible.  He began by saying,

  “I feel impressed to counsel those engaged in personal challenges to do right. In particular, my heart         reaches out to those who feel discouraged by the magnitude of their struggle. Many shoulder heavy burdens of righteous responsibility which, on occasion, seem so difficult to bear. I have heard those challenges termed impossible.”

This was for me!  I was feeling this burden to be impossible.  The whole article bolstered my flagging faith, and helped me hold on to hope that there would be a way provided through this morass our society has allowed to engulf us.  I was lifted ‘just enough’ from the abyss of despair to move forward again.

Then while listening ( I do much of my “reading” these days by audio while I clean closets, cook, garden or drive,) to a book about women of the French Resistance,  I began to wonder how much difference the resistance really made.  Was their resistance futile?  It was begun largely by communist women, many of them single, from all walks of life, from educated, to poor, shop keepers, factory workers, office jobs.  Many  were teenagers some barely more than children, others were elderly.  The resistance at first was random, without direction, often merely more than signs torn down, flags removed and graffiti on walls.  It became eventually much more purposeful and effective, but it began largely with women, who felt compelled to simply RESIST Nazi occupation.

Still, I wondered, did it ever do more than slow down the enemy?  What did it in fact accomplish toward freedom?  One early morning, the answer came to me.  What it accomplished was in the hearts and families of those who participated and in their families,  then as well as the generations to come.  In acting  with the resistance, however small or large, in the individual circumstances and opportunities of the resistors, they were declaring which side they were on.   And that made all the difference that mattered.

I know that through Christ, this battle of filth and sleaze and all other battles of unrighteousness and sin, have already been won and overcome by our Savior Jesus Christ.  All that remains is for each of us to declare in this life our colors.  Whose team do we wish to fight on?  Sure in this mortal life it is often hard to see and remember that the war is already won, when some individual battles do seem to be going terribly wrong, even to be lost.

Will I look back on my life as a Resistor or Collaborator?  Or will I be a weak bystander?  Bystander is defined on the website ushmm.org as a “catch-all term that has often been applied to people who were passive and indifferent to the escalating persecution that culminated in the Holocaust.”  I have a feeling that bystanders of that time felt little better after the war than the Collaborators.

Christ requires us to protect and care for his little ones; in fact he tells us to become like them to qualify for the kingdom of Heaven.  (Matt 18:2). Likewise, he tells us that for those who abuse them,  “It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.”   (Luke 17:2)
That is when it dawned on me, THAT is all that is required of me, that I RESIST.  That by my pen (or keyboard really), my words, actions and desires of my heart, the opportunities that come to me and the influence he affords me, that I use it to resist the plague of pornography, immorality, and sleaze that abounds.  He asks me to Stand for Him, for righteousness, to speak out against sin. I can and will be PART of the resistance!  I will NOT stand idly by.  It matters little if my works are grand what matters is that I ACT however and whenever I am able!  I felt so empowered by this realization!

And with hope again in my mind, I heard the lyrics to a song I’d "heard" many many times in my life,  without actually "hearing", while dressing after a workout in my local gym locker room;
Pat Benatar’s song, Invincible,

We cannot afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible
And with the power of conviction
There is no sacrifice
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible

It is helpful when standing up to a mortal enemy to know that you  will  be invincible.   We can have the power of conviction!

Then President Nelsons, long ago words rang with even more power.

“You who may be momentarily disheartened, remember, life is not meant to be easy. Trials must be borne and grief endured along the way. As you remember that “with God nothing shall be impossible” (Luke 1:37), know that He is your Father. You are a son or daughter created in His image, entitled through your worthiness to receive revelation to help with your righteous endeavors. You may take upon you the holy name of the Lord. You can qualify to speak in the sacred name of God (see D&C 1:20). It matters not that giants of tribulation torment you. Your prayerful access to help is just as real as when David battled his Goliath (see 1 Sam. 17).
Foster your faith. Fuse your focus with an eye single to the glory of God. “Be strong and courageous” (2 Chr. 32:7), and you will be given power and protection from on high. “For I will go before your face,” the Lord declared. “I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88).
The great latter-day work of which we are a part shall be accomplished. Prophecies of the ages shall be fulfilled. “For with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27), I testify in the name of Jesus Christ.”  Amen.

Nope, Resistance  is NOT Futile!

And I, echo his AMEN!

Blessing or Blight?

When Blessings Look Like Trials

Our family has always tried to spend at least one evening together as a family, teaching, talking and having fun together.  Monday’s are specifically set aside with no meetings, or interruptions of any kind, scheduled for that night.  Now our married children with their tiny little ones are already  following the same pattern in their families.  It is for that reason that tonight immediately after our son returned home from his work as a resident in his last affiliation as a student physical therapist, and dinner was over, their four little girls all fed, that I joined him, his wife and family for their weekly “family night”.

While doing dinner Meredith, my delightful and dear daughter-in-law, and I had discussed what we could do.  They usually plan something ideal themselves, but I had just purchased a wonderful book called The Holy Week for Latter-day Saint Families by Wendee Wilcox Rosborough, that provides so many ideas for making the days and weeks prior to Easter, meaningful with myriad Christ centered activities, art work, scriptures, films, crafts and recipes. and shared it with Meredith and we were excited to begin making the ideas traditions. Meredith looked through it and decided that on this beautiful blue sky (but breezy and thus chilly) March day, it would be fun to focus on the “Cleansing of the temple day”, by taking the family to walk the  Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints temple grounds, just 15 minutes away.    We could sing primary songs about the the temple, talk about how special the building is, built and dedicated not only as a special building of worship and spiritual education but also as place, wherein the spirit of our Savior Jesus Christ may dwell.  As we have spent the last two weeks potty training the oldest two girls, ages 34 months, and 24 months, we’ve also had LOTS of discussions about our wonderful bodies, so, we could also discuss that our bodies are a temple.  We are meant to care for them, keep them clean and discipline ourselves to do what is good for them.

It turned out to be a sweet Spring evening with the trees just beginning to blossom to life again,  and we enjoyed the meticulous quiet grounds, having them all to ourselves except for some maintenance workers doing repairs and maintenance during the 3 weeks the temple is closed for such work.  We also took pictures of the family and talked about how we can care for our bodies the way the workers were caring for the temple.  We pointed out the sunlight coming through the patterns of the beautiful stained glass windows and of course the the angel Moroni on the top spire, trumpeting to the world that Christ’s gospel is restored, God again speaks to and through his prophet on the earth and Christ will yet return in glory.

It was a short, sweet Family night and then we headed home in their old blessed minivan.  The vehicle was a gift from family members last fall, who were blessed themselves after an accident to upgrade, and were inspired to see how much Layton and Meredith needed it with twins coming and two other tiny girls still in car seats.  It’s got a zillion miles on it (over 240,000) but it has been such a gift during these last 6 + months.  We had only gotten a few blocks from the temple when Layton suddenly said, ‘I just lost the power steering on the van!”  It was roughly a mile later, the battery light turned on, and then a high coolant temperature light.  We nervously drove slowly to a turn off where we could be safely of the main road.

We made a few phones calls, one to consult with Jeff, my husband traveling in Arizona for business this week, another to the road side assistance for a tow, and another few calls to friends from church with large enough cars to accommodate 4 car seats and 2 extra adults to get us home before the kids had a meltdown.

Seriously, we felt so grateful as we sat cozy in the van as the sun began to set for how we had been watched over.  They’ve never “left home” for a family night activity in the 4 months they’ve been with us.  But if we hadn’t gone tonight, Meredith would have gone tomorrow morning to run errands and do some grocery shopping  and this (we think its a broken serpentine belt) would have likely happened while she was out, with the kids, not having either Layton or  I with her to help, during a busier time of day and likely in a much less convenient place to stop.  Plus with the power steering out, it may have been that she simply could not control or steer it as it was difficult even for Layton .  Additionally, the kids had been fed right before we left,  we had snacks and almost everything we needed to get through an emergency.  Layton even took time to go through his emergency kit in the back and consider what he had and what he’d like to add... (we figured just some bottles and a small box of formula for the babies, and extra clothes for the girls now that they are potty training would be good to have).  But otherwise, they were already quite well prepared.

Additionally, we were glad to have our cell phones on us, (my battery was dangerously low), and to be able to reach Jeff, as well as Scott W____, father of 9, who was free to come and get us and load us up and get us home while Layton waited for the tow truck and got us home.  Eventually in fact, all the people we had called and left messages with, called us back and would have come to our rescue had we needed.  That was a great comfort!

Mostly however, I was so grateful that this had not happened when Meredith was alone or alone with the children.  It is a blessing I too have experienced multiple time and consider to be a true tender mercy to mothers with many young children, finances stretched thin, and transportation old, less than ideal, and family far away.  Additionally, I felt gratitude that we were not in an accident, but had this happen instead... I sensed that this could possibly be a great protection and blessing in that there was an unusual occasional revving of the engine, as we drove to the temple that evening, that Layton described as feeling as if the engine was fighting against the brakes.  This taking the van “off line”, may in fact have protected this busy little family from themselves until they can have something far more serious addressed in the process.

Layton is so busy with studying for his certification exams next month, finishing the long hours in his final affiliation, and then helping with four girls and a tired momma so very happy to see him each evening.  This is certainly the last thing they need, but still... it may be the VERY protection and blessing we ask for each day when we pray for safety and protection to be with our children, and loved ones, wherever they may be.

We sense that this gift of a vehicle may be quite temporary, yet it has filled an immediate need well, while they were finishing school and facing the imminent crisis of the birth of the twins, and hope if that is so, that the next needful replacement will make itself known to us at the right time and way.  In the meantime, we feel that we are blessed by the generous and miraculously timely way it came to them.  It is blessed by the consecration, sacrifice and love of the givers.  And we feel the blessing in it, even in the midst of the trial.

I know this is a true principle, that blessings and answered prayers, often come to us in the form of something that at first appears to be an affliction or hardship, even a disaster.  I’ve had it happen myself.  I even recently read an example in a podcast by Gretchen Rubin, “Sometimes we have to get fired, to be hired”, (https://gretchenrubin.com/podcast-episode/little-happier-fired-hired) and also of “lucky” breaks that sometimes seem to happen in survival situations only after something potentially hazardous happened first.

But still... in the midst of the hassle and headache of difficulty, how often have I missed answered prayers and blessings provided, because the answer  looks like an inconvenient catastrophe?  I fear it is far more often than I’d care to know.

May I have eyes to see the disguised blessings, even the hand of God in the details of my life, more often, and more quickly.

Parenting and Potty Training

Parenting and Potty Training
This week I have come to believe that potty training is perhaps the first real test of parenting.
You prove to each other that you can, and will, with love and persistence, help your child grow and take the very first critical step towards independent adult hood far in the future. It is something they can have control over but also must learn to be aware of and learn how to do.  They also require adult help to learn it. It's one of the first opportunities to build love and trust between parent and child, at just the time when they can communicate back and forth, and begin to record memories for future reference.

During this experience  she can if done well, learn from you that you will love them always even if they don't do it right at first or get it right away, have accidents, or even make mistakes sometimes on purpose. They can also learn that you expect them to advance beyond dependent babyhood.

It can, and I think does more than we know, set the foundation for trusting relationships,  communication, courage and confidence between parent and child. They learn how much they can count on you and how much you love and believe in them.   They learn that you believe they can do hard things and that you can be counted on to make sure they have the opportunities, and support to become what they are capable of.

And for parents, it is the first time you really face the hard truth that freedom comes in being willing to help a child do for themselves what they are capable of doing.  Yes, they may want to help wash the dishes or scrub out the toilet, but often their “help” at first (and sometimes for years!) seems more work than it is worth.  But without a parent who is willing to allow those messy “helpers” to try and improve, parents may be stuck doing ALL their work long past the time children are really capable.  Or in this case changing diapers far too long.......

Our daughter shared, after her potty training experience last fall that by waiting a little too long to train, she made it harder for both of them.  I’m not sure the reason they delayed, either out of inexperience, fear, or circumstance it does not really matter.  But she said that in waiting  some months past the time her daughter showed signs of being ready, she became embarrassed, and ashamed about the process.  Younger ones usually are just uninhibited and then proud of their successes, preventing problems of holding it in until it is painful, or distracting, or being sneaky, seeking times and places to go outside of the toilet.

In the last week I’ve been assisting our daughter-in-law in the potty training of their two first children, both age 2.  (They currently live with us as our son finishes his last two affiliations to complete his Physical Therapy degree).   At the same time our youngest daughter in Arizona was potty training her first child also age 2, and our eldest daughter in Utah has been reading and prepping to begin training her first  child, a boy, soon to be 2.  Last Fall another daughter in California did her first potty training, and the year before that another daughter in Utah trained her first child.  Thus.... potty training has been a big topic on our family group text of late.

In our home we have been training two sisters 10 months apart.  It’s a long story for another time, but they also have twin baby sisters only 5 months old that contribute to why the oldest one wasn’t trained sooner.  So watching one who is nearly three and one who is barely 2 training together has helped  me re-learn a lot.  We’ve  observed not only personality differences but also developmental ones.  The oldest sister was a bit more embarrassed at first about the process.  The little one joyfully exuberant about a new little potty chair and especially the approved  freedom from clothing for a few days!  But the competition for praise and attention between them coupled with the fact that each imitate one another so thoroughly as we were already aware, eased the way and within a very short time (the first few hours!) we were having our first successes.

In the years since training our five children, I have forgotten much of the details.  Being involved intimately this time as a grandmother has been so different and thought provoking.  I now have time to pay attention to their cues, and their responses, the competition, (good peer pressure in this case... remember, we are doing two at a time in our household,) as well as experience ( and again time) to interpret and analyze them perhaps more accurately that I did years ago training our own children.

The parents of today have such terrific resources and helps.  Our children prepped by checking out children’s books out of the library to aid themselves as well as the  little ones in the readiness for the event.  They also read parenting books on the subject.  (Each of them say they especially recommend the book “Oh Crap, Potty Training”).   With each of our 5 children in the same phase of training or recently finished training their first children, they are  all sharing their tips, and questions and cheering each other on, through our group message.  It is a nice to have support and to know that not everyone “gets it” on the very first, or even second, or third day.

Competence builds confidence and competence comes through doing, and trying, sometimes trying and failing and trying some more.  If a parent deny’s a child’s help when the child is willing, they may have a child who is forever unwilling when the parent is ready for competent help.

Potty training is so much like that.  Diapers may be smelly and expensive, but they can be positively convenient compared to urgent potty stops or accidents while driving or in church, or while shopping.  So parents may procrastinate, delay, or even encourage a child to wear a diaper longer than they can or should, for their own convenience.  But devoting time patiently to the child and also doing those things that enable success flexibly in the life you have, can build great confidence not only for the child herself, but also in her relationship with the parent.  She comes to know from experience that Mom and Dad believe in me, even when I may not believe in myself.  They will help me to succeed at this hard thing.  And they love me even when I mess up, and won’t give up on me, or stop loving me.

Both parent and child will need these lessons over and over again in years ahead as new challenges, and  stages of growth build on one another.

You can do it moms and dads!   Don’t be afraid!  This is what being a parent is all about, aiding a little human to be an independent and contributing member of society.  Once you have them trained, you can pat yourself on the back and join the “parent-hood”.
You are more than a momma (or daddy) now, -you are a parent!  (Keep up the great work!) And ...
Congratulations!

What’s In A Name

What’s in a name?                                                                             (Written January 2018)
Later today in our church, our son will bless and officially name his two twin daughters, while his other small daughters sit with their Mom, their grandma JuJu, and me in the congregation. I am not certain but I have doubts that Layton, Papa Matt, or Bodhi (Jeff), ever imagined much the naming of future children. I think it is largely a “girl” thing. For years however, like my youthful self, I heard and examined the lists of “baby names” our four girls would collect, and revise, long before they were even married. It’s one of the great joys of motherhood, helping to choose a title, a name that will identify a person for all of their life on earth, all throughout their lives.

Going through journals from the first years of my life as a new wife, but not yet a mother, I found a handwritten list of “baby” names my youthful self was considering and possible combinations for first and middle names. It is fun to look and and compare with what we actually used. How glad I am I didn’t use some names! But when I showed the list to our son he said he actually wished we HAD chosen James as his middle name! 🙂😉Still, choosing names for our children was a real challenge for Jeff and I back then. With Jeffery being the tail end of his family, and with most of the other 27 of his Bird nieces and nephews already born and named before we married, we had a somewhat limited selection of names to consider. In contrast to our common names of “ Jeff and Becky” (there were FIVE Becky’s in my graduating class), we wanted to choose names that could be unique and beloved, without being “weird”. It proved no easy feat.
In the end our children became Nikelle, (pronounced “Nick-Elle”), no middle name, Tiahna (Tee-AH-nah) ReLin, Layton Craig, the middle name after Jeff’s eldest brother, Whitney Loryn, the most common of our names, and Kaloni (Ka-LON-ee) May. I love these names (AND the recipients!) and only in later years did any of them find others of similar names.

In recent years as Jeff and I considered, and explored the names we wanted to be called by our grandchildren, we were reminded anew that choosing a name is, a huge responsibility.

Names carry impressions, and sometimes meanings. They in large part, define, influence and shape us, sometimes more than we ever realize. With that in mind, for years I explored titles from other cultures, and languages, and even made up names. I really could not settle on anything that felt right; a name I could imagine “feeling like me” for years to come. I searched other cultures and languages. I “tried on names” like others try on shoes to see how comfortable they were right off, discarding name after name as silly, ridiculous, awful, or plain uncomfortable. A few names I thought might become more comfortable over time. But even those tiny few, never felt completely right.

I liked the French, Mimi, but my French Canadian Sister-in-law used it comfortably and I felt like an imposter or that I was plagiarizing her name whenever I tried to use it. Eventually I thought I’d just use the made-up name/title of ‘Gigi’, but that too, felt false and harsh.
At last, years in to my search, I came across the name Amia with its meaning (beloved). I KNEW instantly it was right. Like Cinderella and her glass slipper that fit only her, I knew this name was for me. It is short, soft, AND had a meaning I could aspire to. Jeff then searched for a meaningful name and found Bodhi, (wise and enlightened). They are unusual, especially for grandparent titles, and we are frequently asked about them. But they suit us so well and I have no doubt that the names will be imitated, in and OUT of our family in the generations to come. They are short names, easy to shorten and say for a child and even the short names are sweet. All the children call Jeff, “Bo”, And I am “Mia” to all but Emma who has always called me “AH-mee”. I love to hear my name in their sweet and individual voices. The name feels so natural like a comfortable sweater. It is my new name for a new role and phase of life. It is MINE. And it is also a reminder of what it means and to live so that my Grandchildren who call me that name can come to feel that I truly am “beloved” Amia to them.

Last Monday, on New Years Day, our newest granddaughter, tiny, miss Penny Louise Udall was named for this mortal phase of her life, and blessed at home, by her daddy Kyle, uncle Kelly Conrad, and a counselor in the bishopric in their ward in Mesa Arizona. It was a beautiful blessing in which she was reminded that her middle name is after her Great Grandmother Linda Louise Browning who is an angel on earth who lives with kindness and grace, and she will do well to pattern her life after her. It reminded me of the blessing of Nephi and Lehi in the Book of Mormon, meant to remind them of their great and faithful ancestors.

I have many names; my given name at birth is Becky ReLin Browning. ReLin is a combination of my parents names, Rex, and Linda. I have always loved that name. We passed it on to our own daughter Tiahna as her middle name and she too takes pleasure in its significance, sharing the name with me and its reminder of her very good grandparents.

At the age of eight, I took upon myself the name of Christ, and promise anew each week to always remember him.

When I married I took my husbands last name as my own. I left my home and identity as a Browning to become a Bird and bring to that family culture all the good that I could try to add from my own heritage, while being made new in taking on the reputations and traditions of a new family.

And just over three years ago, with the birth of little Lyly May Conrad, I began to be known by the name Amia. I have been blessed with names of goodness, and reputation and I hope to add to them, my own small chain of strength, and progress and becoming. I desire to live up to every good and righteous hope those who bestowed a name upon me desired for me... including myself.

In the end though , it is the life lived that gives the most meaning to a name. Names such as Ghandi, Mother Theresa, or Adolf Hitler, are made pleasing or repulsive by what we know about them. We all know names we cannot like, because of those we once knew who shared the name.

Three years into the process of Grand-parenting, with beautiful babies seeming to drop like ripe fruit from the sky, (we already have 11!) to our young married children, Jeff and I smile and rejoice as we overhear the discussions of names for consideration for each baby. We now have a lovely selection of sweet and unusual names being added to our family tree; popular and common names such as Emma, and Abigail, to the rare and unusual Thoreau, and Hampton, and whimsical Willow and Olive and Penny, we also have Jane and Annabelle, Lyla and Miles. One family has chosen all flower names as the middle names, making a beautiful bouquet for a family of girls. Others have chosen family names to honor grandparents or fathers, and others still, names that give distinction and refinement. All are chosen with love and care and purpose. Each beautiful child is named with the hope that this name will, by the choices made and the life lived, become known to those around him or her, as a good, wise, benevolent, blessing to mankind.

So much hope and promise wrapped up in the selection of a name.  Now 50+ years in, what have I lived into my name? What will I add to it in the years ahead? What will you add to yours?

A Discussion on the Electoral College and the "Good Life"

Below is a link to a Hillsdale college video clip that begins the kind of discussion I would enjoy having with each of you... The kind my Dad helped my 8 siblings and I begin having around the dinner table of our youth.  The question here is "How do you personally define the 'good life' and is your definition the best or only  one the country should have?  

Watch the clip:  (It is only a few minutes).  

https://shar.es/1IQqI0

For me,  I most highly prize a private life where I am free to focus on my own family, community, Faith and work, with just enough awareness/involvement of the public or politics of my community and country to serve others in need and make choices that will most closely allow me to continue to pursue my chosen "good life".  In other words, I define my good life as one in which I feel most free to "pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness", with as few political distractions and especially interferences as possible.

Why am I writing about this?  Good question.  Here is the answer.  

I have twice since the election had thoughtful discussions with one of our children and an elderly friend, who, while not necessarily disappointed with the outcome of the election, think it is likely "unfair" that the "majority" did not get their chosen candidate, as it appears the popular vote did go to the losing candidate.  I invite us now to "counsel together" on the following topic.

Should the Electoral College be eliminated?  

Take your time to read it.  I hope it will invite consideration, research and especially discussion in your own homes.  BYU-Idaho, a private church university where all of our 5 children studied, has invested much in what they call Foundation Classes, where many topics are discussed "Socratic" style. It is a tool for learning that I believes has great value in both true learning and understanding and which I believe is emulated when we "counsel together".

Certainly this would be a good research topic and paper for many of our children. 

I love reading history and have been studying the American Constitution on and off much of my adult life.  Somewhere along the way I studied about this very topic.  Unlike my brilliant husband who retains details of countess books and subjects, my brain holds on to only the "jist" of many...or the viewpoint that the study led me to hold.  That is the case here.  I was left with a conviction that it was an inspired form of voting but could not pull out the details with which to defend it. I encourage us all to research it better for ourselves.

However, for those who are less interested in this than that study might require, the "jist" of those past studies, as I have pondered on the current circumstance, has over the past days and nights, began again to distill with just  enough clarity for me to begin to defend my position in a basic way that may be helpful for some of you.  I hope it will begin to plant more firmly in each of you the belief and knowledge that nearly every aspect of our original founded government was penned in ink after months of just such discussion as we could have here, and guided by divine inspiration, and then ratified by eventually EVERY one of the states/colonies then in existence.  Every state added since, has joined of their own free will and choice, feeling that the best chance for the most free "self governance" came in cooperation and alliance with the larger protections of a limited federal government. 

 

There are numerous side questions we could get side-tracked on here... Why not just have each state be its own "country"? Or why have states at all, and not just be one huge 'state' encompassing our whole country?

Answers in part at least are encompassed in the general discussion we will have, but largely those will have to be for you to discuss on your own.  I will stick as closely as I can to the question of electoral votes.

That begins by clarifying the great misnomer that has been perpetuated by our public education system:   The United States is NOT a democracy. 

I hope that does not shock you.  But it is true.  Every True democratic government (where one man = one vote) throughout history failed miserably, and our founders knew it.  They wanted something more fair (WHAT?!!  How can you get more fair than every vote being equal?) and more enduring. 

They provided for us a REPUBLIC.  This is a Representative form of democracy, where the public, selects from among their local, known, trusted, peers, someone whom they trust to go and represent them at decision making times and places, and make laws and policies that will be in the best interest of the values of those they represent, leaving the citizens more free to go about the business of providing for their families and being involved in the things that are of most interest and value to them.  It is in this way that our populace has been free to go about creating the largest and most successful economy in the world that then has been the most peaceful and generous with its resources to bless the rest of the world.  This does not mean Americans are perfect... But freedom to pursue our own goals has largely brought good things for the world. 

If we had a true democracy, we would have a president, and no senate or congress. We would each need to be involved and informed on the details and discussions regarding every law ourselves. While there may be laws we do not like, our state representatives are at least in part accountable to us in our locations to generally represent the values of the areas in which we live and if there is enough we dislike, we have the opportunity every few years to make our voice heard about who we’d prefer to represent us, or even run ourselves.  But for each of us to understand all the details of every possible law ourselves would take us away from the production of this country, damaging significantly the amazing "production" Americans are known for, that have built a vast economy unheard of in civilizations of the past.   When Senators or representatives vote for laws that we do not like, we have the opportunity as counties and states to UN elect them every two or four years and select ones that more closely represent our values.  It's a wonderful system that on the whole, MOSTLY does a great job of representing the MAJORITY view points or values. (It may be interesting to note that living in Washington State, whose electoral votes have gone entirely against my personal votes all the years I have voted here, I still vote with passion, as my local votes here in the southeast corner of the state, do succeed in representatives that largely represent me well.  The farther from me my representatives live, the less they represent me well... even within my own state, much less the continent sized country!)

The miracle is that our system also protects the minority view points, even mine, in a small but economically huge contributing community to the coffers of our state.  This is why America has been so attractive to immigrants from its very beginning, and continues to be so today.  Every one of us at some time and in some way are in the minority.  It may be our race, origin, gender, religion even our occupation.  It may be any number of things. 

Today we have lost some of the founders loyalty to state.  We are less aware today that people usually do live and gather and work in ways that show shared values.  Perhaps we think now that we simply live where we can get work, and afford to live, but that is not really completely true.  We have freedom to choose the kind of work we do and where and how we choose to do it... (in a city, or the suburbs, or in a small rural town).  Additionally, we will choose where we live to do that work... (a long commute so we can live in the country and have land, or in a high-rise apartment so we don't have a yard to care for etc.).  So many choices and the answers to those choices gather us together with people of largely shared values.  It is just the way humans are, and Americans are so free that it is especially true here.  We gather as neighborhoods, communities, counties, and states, largely of shared values.  That is not to say we ALL share ALL values with our neighbors and states, but largely it can be true. 

Each of our states was formed in some part by people who shared some common interest in and value of the particular resources of that state and the use of those resources.  Thus, northern states, were more industrial, southern states were more agrarian.  The industrial states were more populated, but the agrarian states, while small in people were vital to the feeding, clothing and trade of the north, while the south, also wanted supplies from northern states.  Even today, each state across the nation provides resources, and access that benefits the country at large.  We choose to work in, access, and enjoy, protect, and benefit from the resources we live in.  If we did not find them tolerable, we usually work hard to relocate to somewhere more in alignment with our largest values. 

Aware that they needed each other, and could be stronger, if somehow aligned, but not wanting to give up the autonomy of their own state governance, the Founders came up with a compromise that protected the values of small states... They created the Senate, a governing body that allowed each state regardless of population TWO senators... This represents values of people who gather in ways that may be in the minority... Small rural states, that provide resources vital to the country such as food, or oil, wood, or coal.  Not everyone wants to live in small towns, live without major arts, shopping or museums, but some highly value, even prefer open spaces, quiet and community that those kinds of locations provide and  are willing to do the hard work these locations and jobs require.  It does not mean their lives matter less or are less needful.  In several cases, they are vital to the wellbeing of the city dwellers and others.  They should be enabled, even protected and are, by this method. 

But should the values of the majority not matter more?  Yes.  The Founders balanced this with a Congress, that allowed a representative for every so many people in each state.  Thus, as the population of a state increases, its representation in Congress grows and grows through the ages. The majority is largely represented. 

In a remarkable way, local view points are represented by locally elected congressmen, and thus take a voice to the table of decision making in DC... It may be only one voice, or only a few, but it is a voice, and sometimes those few voices, even if a minority,  if loud enough, or eloquent enough, persuasive enough, patient or even crafty enough, can change opinion.  This can be a good or bad, positive or negative, but it has so much of overarching fairness in it that people from all places, religions, nationalities, and walks of life have sought out the opportunities of such a voice, provided in America.

What does this have to do with the Electoral College?  

Simply that the Electoral College is made up of those same Representative votes.  Each state gets the number of electoral votes equal to the total number of Senators + Representatives that each state qualifies for.  Each state may choose how to allot those electoral votes.  So far, all but two states, say that the popular vote, the candidate who wins the majority vote in the state, takes all the votes.  The remaining two have a system for dividing electoral votes based on the percentage of each candidate.  Once again the view of the state is manifest in their own rules, on the matter. The candidate with the majority of Electoral votes wins the election.

It is in this way, that nearly always the popular vote will win the election.  However, it is possible if not common, that a candidate CAN win the electoral vote, but not the popular vote.  IT has happened only five times in over 200 years.  Interestingly, it has happened twice in my voting lifetime.

Usually, almost always, the majority or popular vote will also win the election.    But lets examine and consider the make up of our country, its states, and allotment of  electoral votes of the states they represent.

33 States, have less than 8 electoral  votes EACH, 7 of those having only 3 each, even with their 2 Senatorial votes included. That means that 7 states, if population were all that counted, they would qualify for only 1 electoral vote each, and the remaining 26 states having only between 2-4 votes.  But these 33 states,  represent the values and resources of perhaps MORE than 2/3 of the country (NOT population).  With this minimal representation in the vote, the values of a massive, even huge MAJORITY of land mass and its values would be nearly completely unrepresented. Would it be right for them to be so poorly represented?

On the other hand THREE states, together California, Texas and Florida, have between them 122 of 538 total votes or 1/4.  Does the populations of THREE states, truly represent the values and perspectives of the entire United States?  

It takes in fact 24 states (almost HALF of the rest of the states!)  with the lowest numbers of electoral votes .. (Each 7 or less) to even come close to matching the influence of those top 3 states... (116 electoral votes ALL together.). But again, these 24, equal a very large majority of the land mass, and resources that fuel and support the other smaller land mass and values of the country.  The inclusion of their senatorial electors, regardless of population gives a possibility that minority view points, may have an influence. Also, keep in mind, having two senators and thus two electoral votes, who are elected by the majority of their state, does NOT guarantee that they will represent a minority view point in the country.  They may well aid the majority view of the country, as is usually the case.  

If majority mattered more than any thing else the popular vote of the top 11 most populous states,*** could theoretically decided every value and decision that affects the rest of the country... 11 states... Barely 1/5 or 20% of our states,....Yes, it would be the majority of people, it may be the majority of view point. But do I want east coast, crowded city values to determine how I use my beautiful Columbia River, it's fish, and dams, power and irrigation?  Do you in Utah or Idaho want those same values to solely determine your access to wilderness, forests, or to develop mines, or grazing for cattle? Even those in California, Colorado, Minnesota or the Dakotas, I doubt would want all the influence to come entirely from some distant centralized place.  I suspect, if you studied it, or if it affected your business, your property or your invention, you'd want a bigger local voice than just your population may allow.  Is it fair?... It is when you see that the majority IS represented the MOST, but the minority always gets a chance to sit at the table and be an influence.

*** From largest population to least, the top 11 most populous states are California, Texas, Florida, New York, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Ohio, Michigan, Georgia, North Carolina, and New Jersey.  Is it right that these states, largely separated by a continent from the climate, resources, and problems, concerns and thus values of the center, resource rich, and people few, states, choose and determine all our American laws, our policies and leaders because they contain the Majority?  To me it seems a miraculous protection from peasantry.

Lastly,  a note of interest, and reminders that the Majority DO get their way, the Majority of the time… ONLY 5 times in more than 200 years has an American president been elected without the popular vote.  As I mentioned earlier, two times have been in my adult, voting lifetime.  The first time was in the highly contested election of 2000 between George W. Bush and Al Gore, where the Supreme Court was involved.  With discord again about us, I recommend some fun reading as an informative distraction; an exciting history book for young adults called Lincoln’s Grave Robbers by Steve Sheinkin.  It takes place during another highly contested election that involved lots of rioting afterward etc.  Our time is not so unusual really, and somehow I find it comforting.  We have survived turmoil before and if we are informed, and wise and involved as good free citizens should be, we can contribute to the protections of our freedoms for generations yet to come.

I hope this is simple enough, yet complete enough for you to understand my perspective on the miracle of fairness the Electoral College system is.... or at least to pique your interest in studying it out for yourself.   

I love this great country and am awed by all that was done to lay a foundation for its success and greatness. 

Hope you enjoyed our "discussion" and that it begins some engaging and enlightening ones around your dinner table.

Becky